Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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