please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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