i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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