Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
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Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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