I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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