the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
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Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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