Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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