Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
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SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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