she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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