I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want her autograph on my taint
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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