So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
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I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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