I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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