I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
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Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
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Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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