i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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