At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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