I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
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The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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