I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
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i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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