Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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