two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's like iHOP with fire
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize