my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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