so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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