So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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