I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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