Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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