Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
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My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
dude. I can hear the air.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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