i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
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She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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