there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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