The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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