They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
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Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
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A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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