oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
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Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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