You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
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Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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