the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
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Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
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Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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