So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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