Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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