Where did you get a picture of my penis
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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