So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
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He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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