Ambien. No doubt about it.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
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Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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