the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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