I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She told me I should be a condom model.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize