If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize