I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
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You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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