my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
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It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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