You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
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i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I can't trust your balls anymore.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize