We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
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there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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