i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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