alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
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So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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