dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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