Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
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It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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