It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
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You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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