OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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